According to the Oxford dictionary the definition of personal is: 'your own; not belonging to or connected with anyone else'.
The definition of style is: 'a particular procedure by which something is done; a manner or way'.
With this in mind, we can describe personal style as 'your own manner or way of dressing that does not belong to anyone else'.
My sister and I are only one year apart. Despite her being older, we were always the same size as kids. During her first year of high school, she attended a school dance. The outfit you wore to any school occasion was a big deal as it was an opportunity to express yourself outside the conformity of the school uniform. So this was a pretty big deal.
I can't remember the exact chain of events, but somehow it lead to both my parents demanding that I lend my sister a skirt to wear to the dance. A skirt that was my most prized possession. I was not happy.
My parents obviously saw this as teachable moment. The importance of sharing. Honourable. But, I didn't want to share my skirt. Not one little bit.
It took many years for me to understand the significance of my feelings. Why did I get so upset over something so seemingly trivial? It wasn't an issue with sharing per se. It was an issue with sharing that skirt in particular. It had come to mean something to me I didn't understand at the time.
Clothes as an expression of identity
Clothes are a powerful tool used to express who you are.
Your beliefs, your values, your experiences and the society and culture you exist within.
You are the sum total of all your experiences. They have shaped you in a way that is completely unique to you.
Although the society and culture you exist within will have common threads that run through the prevailing fashion, the pieces you choose and the way you put them together is specific to you.
The essence of who you are is your personal style.
'Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is youer than you' ― Dr. Seuss
Who am I anyway?
Our self image refers to the way we see ourselves, the way we think others see us and the way we would like to see ourselves (our ideal self).
A positive self image means you know who you are and what you stand for. You are confident in your decisions, preferences, beliefs, values and motivations. You see yourself in a positive light. You appreciate your unique talents, skills and gifts. You like the way you are. You feel aligned with your 'ideal self'.
If you have a negative self image, you may find yourself feeling very insecure. You may have trouble making decisions (even small ones) and identifying your preferences. You may find yourself continually comparing yourself to others, downplaying your skills, gifts and achievements, putting yourself down and reacting defensively in the face of perceived criticism.
Of course, our self image is on a spectrum and may fluctuate depending on the circumstances. However, actively cultivating a positive self image is extremely worthwhile and is tremendous for our well being.
Understanding your preferences and developing good decision making skills is a vital part of developing your style.
Recently I had a customer who was interested in purchasing some outfits for an upcoming trip. She told me she had no idea about clothes and would really appreciate some help. She then went on to say 'I am not good at putting clothes together but I am really good with words'. She then asked herself out loud 'What else am I good at?'.
When I reflected on this interaction, I discovered two things.
1. Backing up the 'negative' comment with a positive one felt really affirming. She didn't sit in the lack. She recognised her lack of confidence with fashion but promoted her gift with words. She then went a step further and asked herself 'what else am I good at?' to reinforce the positive self image.
2. When she said 'I am good with words' it reminded me of a style concept that has been popularised on social media by Allison Bornstein. It is a concept that I felt would help her with her fashion choices. The three word method. While there are variations on this concept, here is a simplified version.
Choose three adjectives that represent you, that describe you as a person. You may even choose one word that is aspirational (who you would like to be) Make these three words your style words. For example: bold, playful, free spirited or elegant, strong, sexy or practical, outdoorsy, fun.
These three words will form the foundation that guides your wardrobe choices and purchases. Only choose pieces that align with these words.
It will help you gain confidence with your fashion choices by limiting them. If you aren't sure of yourself, too much choice can be debilitating.
I have had the honour of working with thousands of women in the fashion retail environment over the years. I can safely say that 95% of what I hear from them falls into the negative end of the self image spectrum.
I do not blame women for this. Not one bit.
But, we are the only ones that can undo the damage that a negative self image can inflict on us.
Try yourself on for size
Dabbling in trends, the latest 'obsessions' and 'must haves' can be fun.
It can introduce you to styles and aesthetics you haven't experimented with before. But, if 'looking current' is what is motivating you or you are looking for external validation by being trendy, things can get a little wobbly.
Staying 'on trend' will keep you in a constant state of over consumption. It will drain your time and finances and ultimately leave you feeling inadequate as you continually look to the latest thing to create a positive self image.
When you aren't sure of who you are, you look to others to tell you.
Advertisers, marketers, media and brands love to mine this insecurity.
This is where you can fall victim to trends and influencers and buy a bunch of stuff that does not reflect who you are. Keeping you stuck in a toxic consume and declutter cycle.
Getting to know yourself is a journey, it isn't always easy but it is the absolute pathway to understanding your style, connecting to your clothes and creating a meaningful wardrobe you love.
'I am my own muse, I am the subject I know best. The subject I want to know better.' ― Frida Kahlo
Here are two excellent exercises to see where you are at with your self image:
1. Observe your thoughts - This is great as you don't have to set aside time to do it. It does however require intention and mindfulness.
Throughout the course of the day, observe the type of thoughts you are having. Particularly thoughts about yourself. Don't judge them or beat yourself up if they are negative, just observe them as they float in and out.
2. Identify limiting beliefs - As you observe your thoughts over time, you may start to identify patterns of thought that have created a limiting belief.
An example of this could be 'I could never wear that' 'Maybe if I was thinner' 'Oh to be young again' 'I don't go anywhere so why dress up'.
If you find a pattern of thought cycling through your mind, dig in and ask yourself what is the limiting belief driving the thought? In the example I gave, it could be 'I am not worthy'.
Remember, 'a belief is just a thought you continue to think'. If you change your thoughts, you change your beliefs.
Is a skirt just a skirt?
So, what had me so upset all those years ago? After all, it was just a skirt.
Sewn into the fabric of our clothing are signs and signals. Layers of meaning attributed to it by the society and culture we live in, and meaning we have personally imbued it with.
Clothes can be used to fit in with societal norms and also challenge them. Clothes can be a political statement, a personal statement and a cultural statement. Clothes have the power to create change, start riots, enrage, enthral, enslave, enrapture, and unify.
Clothes have always held significant meaning for me. I don't think I will ever truly understand why my passion for them is so powerful.
What I do know, is that skirt had come to symbolise something to me.
My twelve year old self had imbued that skirt with meaning and the meaning was me.
There in that humble cotton skirt, I had found a way to express a part of myself. That part was my own. It was my way of dressing, not connected to anyone else.
Through our clothing we can experiment with different parts of ourselves. We can try on different identities until we find the one that fits. And, when you do, connect to it, wear it all the time, love it, because it means something. It means you know yourself and that is worth sharing with the world. Just don't ask to borrow my skirt.
'Be yourself. Everyone else is taken' - Oscar Wilde