One recent Friday night, my partner and I were looking for something to watch on Netflix. As we commenced the endless scroll, it became clear that we had watched everything worth watching.
In desperation, I flicked on the American reality show 'Later Daters'. It is a show about dating in your 50's and beyond. It is produced by Michelle Obama, so I thought, how bad could it be?
I only lasted one and a half episodes but that was enough for me to learn something very valuable.
In the first episode we were introduced to a participant named Suzanne Doty. Suzanne is 63 years old and has a vibrant, brash, flirty, extraverted personality. She expresses herself with a big, wide smile and a bold southern accent. Suzanne's beloved husband had passed away and she found herself ready to date again.
For part of the episode, they filmed Suzanne in her home. Her surroundings suggested she was wealthy enough to afford the finer things in life, including many clothes, jewellery and accessories.
When Suzanne emerged for the camera, dressed and ready for her first date, I was confused.
She was wearing a long, black, slinky halter neck dress with a plunging neckline, exposed back and thigh high split.
She styled her dress with lots of gold jewellery and a long necklace that appeared to have furry white tails on the ends. Her big, light silver hair cascaded in soft waves around her shoulders and she completed the look with a bold red lip.
I was confronted by how much skin she was baring. Why was she dressed so sexy? Why was she dressed so young?
Yet at the same time I couldn't help but notice how authentic she looked. How incredibly herself she was. How her outfit perfectly complemented and expressed her flirty, outgoing personality.
My mind flickered between the two perceptions like I had a glitch in my system. Maybe I did. Did she look fabulous or didn't she?
Youth mania
The fashion and beauty industry is obsessed with youth.
For decades, teenage models have graced magazine covers, sauntered down runways and starred in advertising campaigns selling you all manner of things from lipstick to luggage.
Luxury brands and design houses vie for the affections of beautiful young actresses so they too can star in advertising campaigns, become brand ambassadors and walk the red carpet wrapped in their couture.
The industry is also obsessed with thinness.
While some strides have been made with size diversity on the runway and in fashion imagery in recent years, size and age diversity continues to remain thin on the ground.
'Fashion has this youth mania. But 70-year-old ladies don't have 18-year-old bodies, and 18-year-olds don't have a 70-year-old's dollars' - Iris Apfel
A waif-like Lily-Rose Depp landed the role of brand ambassador for Chanel in 2015 when she was just 16 years old. As part of her role, she was granted the honour of closing the Chanel 2017 Spring/Summer couture show, floating down the runway in a dramatic ruffled pink bridal gown. She was 17 years old at the time. It was an interesting choice given the minimum legal age to marry in most western countries is 18 years old.
A teenage body is very different to the body of an adult woman and even more different to the body of a woman in mid life and beyond. Yet this is the standard being put forward by the fashion industry. A standard that even supermodels can't keep up.
Linda Evangelista, one of the most beautiful and successful models of all time, hid from public life in 2016 after a botched cosmetic procedure left her looking, in her words, disfigured. It was a procedure designed to reduce fat on the body. She isolated herself for five years, embarrassed to be seen.
She later re-entered public life “I was just so unhappy in my own skin. I’ve done a lot of therapy since, but I spent years and years focusing on my looks. My self-worth and value became about my looks, and I felt flawed. I didn’t love myself, and I didn’t understand why anybody would love me if I didn’t like being with myself or looking at myself'.
Linda Evangelista is 60 years old. She had the cosmetic procedure at 51 years old. If one of the most beautiful women in the world couldn't accept her aging body, what does that say for the rest of us?
Maybe she's born with it, maybe it's Maybelline
In western society, a woman's beauty, youth and value are all tied together in one huge, ugly knot.
If you aren't beautiful, you aren't valuable. And, only the young are beautiful.
This is the perfect set up for the beauty, fashion, diet, fitness and wellness industries to launch their anti aging campaigns.
Hold on to your youth, hold on to your beauty, hold on to your value.
Pop culture pioneer, Madonna, has suffered the full force of the ageist campaign against women in modern western society.
As a young woman, she fought through stereotypes that insisted she stay in her perfectly formed pop star box.
Instead, she constructed her own image. It was sexy, provocative and powerful. She forged a new path for women in the mainstream pop arena and inspired countless others in the process.
Madonna created some of the most iconic pop culture moments of her generation. Through images, film clips, fashion, performance, interviews, film and music.
She was a chameleon, constantly recreating her image. She was in charge of her own beauty, she set the trends. Always on her terms. Always powerful.
Madonna released the track 'Hung Up' when she was 47 years old. The film clip showed her lean, strong physique dancing energetically in a leotard and heels. It was an international success. An incredible achievement in the youth obsessed world of pop music.
Yet, somewhere in the years that followed, this powerful, sexy provocateur became an object, not just of ridicule, but of vitriol.
At 66 years old, Madonna is continuing her career as she always has. As a performer and a provocateur who is interested in pushing the boundaries of what it means to be a strong woman.
Yet her choice to undergo extensive plastic surgery, botox and fillers together with her heavy use of Instagram filters and photo shop suggest a different story.
Has she been caught in the cross hairs of of the capitalist patriarchy? The one she always pushed against?
Or are we just so unaccustomed to seeing older women expressing themselves and their sexuality in the public eye?
Does her continued need to present as youthful have her caught in the trap the capitalist patriarchy has set for women? Or is the trap set regardless?
At 60 years old, Sarah Jessica Parker continues to have a successful acting career. Most recently, reprising her role of the popular character Carrie Bradshaw in a reboot of the highly successful series Sex and the City.
The resulting commentary about her appearance was brutal.
Parker started filming Sex and the City when she was 33 years old and wrapped when she was 39 years old. She started filming the reboot, And Just Like That, when she was 56 years old. During the years between the two series, she had aged, naturally, without cosmetic intervention.
People were horrified. The comments were unrelenting.
'It almost feels as if people don’t want us to be perfectly OK with where we are, as if they almost enjoy us being pained by who we are today, whether we choose to age naturally and not look perfect, or whether you do something if that makes you feel better. I know what I look like. I have no choice. What am I going to do about it? Stop aging? Disappear?' - Sarah Jessica Parker
It seems the trap is set either way. Try to look young and you're desperate. Choose to age naturally and you're disgusting.
So, why are we so uncomfortable with women aging?
Why do we want them to 'hang up their dancing shoes' and just disappear?
Watch her as she disappears
As the door to midlife opens, the window to a woman's reproductive life closes. Is it a coincidence that this is the exact moment the curtain drops on her perceived value?
Is value only available to her during her fertile years? Is the only response to this loss of value shame and obscurity?
Women in midlife find themselves face to face with the obnoxious double whammy of ageism and sexism.
Julia Gillard became Australia's first female Prime Minister in 2010 at 48 years old. During her tenure, she received a ruthless stream of press dissecting every aspect of her appearance. How she chose to style her hair, whether her outfits were flattering and horrifyingly, the size of various parts of her body from her ear lobes to her backside.
She was the Prime Minister.
By focusing on a woman's looks, you move attention away from her being, her humanity, her talents, her intellect, her contribution. It's an easy way to undermine a woman's credibility and destabilise her self image.
Women have internalised the inherent ageism and sexism present in western culture. Shame is the result. A deep and ever present shame of their aging body.
As our hair starts to grey, we run frantically to the hairdresser in an attempt to conceal the tell tale signs that we are no longer young.
As the skin on our arms starts to wobble and sag, we proclaim that we can no longer wear sleeveless styles.
We turn to 'anti-aging' lotions and potions in the hope that they may stave off the fine lines and wrinkles.
We hide the signs that we are getting older because we have internalised the message that it's shameful.
We conceal the beautiful truth of ourselves.
And in doing so, we uphold the very beauty standards that seek to shame us.
We watch ourselves disappear.
Because you're worth it
The truth is, I wish Madonna didn't choose the plastic surgery route. I wish she'd allow herself to age like Vivienne Westwood, who wore whatever she wanted, including skin baring, sexy outfits, right up until her death at 81 years old. Vivienne was punk until the end and she was fabulous.
Fabulous because she showed us her aging skin, her wrinkles and her wonderful white hair. Queen Vivienne was deeply, unapologetically and stunningly herself.
But, I understand why Madonna did it. The trap is set. It is difficult however, to kick against the system when you are busy buying what they are selling.
So, what do we do? How do we navigate this treacherous terrain and come out with our self esteem intact? Here are some exercises to try:
1. Don't be the predator, don't be the prey. It's very easy to get swept along in the judgemental rush of commentary about a woman's appearance. Whether it's someone as famous as Madonna or the woman standing next to you in the supermarket aisle. But it's not valuable. It doesn't serve her and it doesn't serve you. Instead, train yourself not to focus on the way she looks but rather the way she expresses herself. You may find that you actually think something quite different when you reflect on it like that.
If you feel yourself having a thought or wanting to make a comment on someone such as 'Age hasn't been kind to her' 'Whoa, she got old' 'That dress is way too young for her' 'That grey hair ages her' 'She was so beautiful when she was young'. Take a pause. Don't judge yourself for having the thoughts but gently check in and ask what you are attempting to achieve. Is it a valuable thing to think or say? Does it serve you or her? Remember, you are fighting a lifetime of indoctrination that has you believing that aging is shameful, this will take time but we can't change ageist and sexist ideals if we perpetuate them.
Equally, if you find yourself on the receiving end of a judgmental remark or commentary about your appearance, take a pause. It's so easy to get lost in a flood of feelings like anger, embarrassment, shame and hurt. Instead, take a breath and practice some statements like 'I'm happy with who I am' 'I'm proud of my age, I don't need to look younger' 'I love my grey hair, it feels true to who I am' 'There is beauty in every phase of life' 'I enjoy expressing myself, it feels good'. There will be times when these statements don't feel true and that's ok. The more you practice, the easier it becomes.
2. Flood your feed, screens, bookshelves and experiences with positive messages about women and aging. This really helps with your mindset. There is a whole movement on social media dedicated to women going grey at all ages. There is a hugely popular page called 'Advanced style' dedicated to women 60 years and above expressing themselves through fashion. Follow brands and fashion inspiration that celebrates women of all ages. I love seeing images of Vivienne Westwood, Iris Apfel, Sarah Jessica Parker, Patti Smith, Emma Thompson. I love seeing women older than me doing things differently. Representation matters. The more aging skin, wrinkles, grey hair and incredible style you see, the more 'normal' it starts to feel.
3. Dress like the goddess you are! Now is not the time to shy away, now is the time to step in. I can honestly say, of all the women I have encountered and worked with over the many years I've worked in fashion, the most stylish are always older. Why? Because they know themselves deeply, they don't care about fitting in, they dress for themselves and they always have fun with it. When you feel yourself wanting to shrink down and hide, go and look at pictures of Iris Apfel. Remind yourself that you are fabulous and you deserve to wear clothes that make your heart sing!
'What I know for sure is this, you are built not to shrink down to less but to blossom into more. To be more splendid. To be more extraordinary' - Oprah
As it turns out, I did have a glitch in my system. A cognitive dissonance between what I actually believed and what I had been taught to believe. 'Later dater' Suzanne Doty did look fabulous. Seriously fabulous. Because she looked completely and utterly herself. Bright, bold, sexy, flirty and colourful.
Your style is a direct expression of who you are and who you are changes and evolves as you age. This is not something to hide away from, to conceal or alter. This is something to embrace and honour.
'Aging has a wonderful beauty, and we should have respect for that'– Eartha Kitt
Change happens when we rebel.
Change happens when we refuse to conform.
Change happens when we say enough.
Enough of the judgement, enough of the criticism, enough of the lies that seek to push us down. You deserve to be seen in all your beautiful glory. You deserve to be seen for who you truly are. You are a queen. Now is the time to dress like one.
'Beautiful young people are accidents of nature, but beautiful old people are works of art'– Eleanor Roosevelt