In 1993, when I was in my final year of high school, one of the boys from our year told me and my friend that 'You would be attractive if you dressed normally'.
We were at the height of our grunge era. We shopped predominately in the men's section of charity op shops. Our outfits consisted of ripped jeans and ill fitting grandpa cardigans, the more worn out the better.
A few years later, that same friend was asked out on a date by an older man who implied she should wear something sexy so he could show her off. Instead, she wore a three piece men's suit. She looked fabulous. He was horrified.
Mirror mirror on the wall
For centuries, women in white western culture, and now more globally due to it's insidious spread, have been indoctrinated to believe that their value lies in direct proportion to their beauty.
If you are not beautiful, you are not valuable.
In order to be valued, you must be beautiful.
We all need to feel valued. It is fundamental to our self esteem, our self worth and our sense of safety in the world.
If a woman's value is contingent on her beauty, it is easy to understand why women go to great lengths to achieve it.
With the impact of industrialization, the 20th century saw exponential growth in the culture of consumerism. This created fertile ground for the mining of women's insecurities. Insecurities imposed on them by the very culture they exist within.
In order to fuel the capitalist culture of consumerism, you need life long customers.
If a woman's self esteem, self worth and sense of safety is contingent on her feeling valued, and her value is determined by her beauty, it makes complete sense, in a capitalist society, to create beauty standards so unachievable that women will be handing over endless amounts of money and time striving to become and stay beautiful.
'Women's identity must be premised upon our 'beauty' so that we will remain vulnerable to outside approval, carrying the vital sensitive organ of self-esteem exposed to the air' - Naomi Wolf
Problems you didn't know you had (because you don't) emerged in the beauty and fashion industries, fuelled by the desire for life long customers. These 'problems' flow forth in a never ending stream, keeping women trapped in a vicious cycle of trying to fix their faces and bodies in order to feel valued.
Best in show
The objectification and physical manipulation of women's bodies is nothing new. For centuries they have been pulled, pinned, starved, squeezed, laced, zipped and formed into the 'ideal' shape of the day.
Women are constantly encouraged to 'flatter their figure' as though they are show ponies, trotted out in the hope of winning a blue ribbon.
We innately know that 'flattering' means highlighting the 'good' parts and concealing the 'flaws'.
Crushingly, with the endless flow of flaws being generated at speed by the capitalist machine, coupled with our internalized objectification, women have little hope of enjoying the experience of their own bodies or the clothes they wear.
I have worked with hundreds of women over many years in the fashion retail environment and the dialogue has been and continues to be full of negative self talk. At times, devastatingly so.
Every single body part is dissected, inspected, analysed, compared and criticised.
My own mother refers to her hands as 'horrible' as arthritis has made her fingers crooked. Yet, I see hands full of character that would look incredible adorned with jewels, and a huge, beautiful garden that she has created and tended to with the very hands she dismisses as horrible.
My mother grows her own food. Pumpkins, peas, lemons, limes, tomatoes, beans, passionfruit and even coffee!! Yet she criticises the very hands that allow her to do this because she doesn't think they look beautiful.
And, if they aren't beautiful, they aren't valuable.
It's not easy being green
Have you heard of 'boiling frog syndrome'? It is a metaphor used to describe how we are able to adapt to a gradual increase in stress or suffering to a point where it becomes severely detrimental and then too late to change.
The metaphor states that a frog placed in a pot of boiling water will jump right out. However, if a frog is placed in a pot of ambient water that is gradually heated, it will adjust its body temperature to accommodate the environment. That is, until the water is boiling, and it is too late to jump out.
Striving to achieve beauty standards is like being the frog in the pot.
When you are gradually fed, over time, an endless list of things that are problematic about your body, you adapt to this reality. You dress to conceal 'flaws' and highlight 'assets' without stopping to question why you are doing so.
You 'fix' one flaw only to have another pointed out, then another, then another until it's too late, the water is boiling and you can't get out.
Crooked fingers, dimply flesh, wrinkles, rounded stomachs, wobbly arms, the list goes on and on.
It's time to get out of the pot.
How does your garden grow?
It's difficult for gardeners to have pretty hands. Gardening can cause dehydrated, chapped and irritated skin, brittle nails and dry split cuticles. Earth, sun, water and air all present in the lines on their skin. A beautiful patina of life and growth.
Cultivating real personal style requires you to prepare, plant and tend to yourself like you are a garden. You must treat yourself carefully, nurture and protect yourself as you would a delicate seedling.
This process isn't about being pretty and flawless with perfect outfits. It is about digging into the rich soil of your own spirit, and creating, in your wardrobe, the beautiful patina of your own life.
'I accept the great adventure of being me' - Simone de Beauvoir
An excellent way to start is by choosing clothes that celebrate you, rather than flatter you.
Flattery by its very definition is a manipulation. To flatter is to praise someone, in a way that is not sincere, in order to obtain something.
So when we are encouraged to flatter our figures, we are being encouraged to manipulate our bodies in order to obtain beauty standards. Standards which are not only unachievable but render us passive participants in our own personal expression.
Wearing an outfit that 'balances your proportions' or makes you look thin or gives the illusion of a small waist or larger bust may be considered flattering, but if it doesn't express who you, are what is it really achieving?
To celebrate is to honour, to acknowledge, to observe, to recognise.
Celebrating yourself through your wardrobe goes so much further than 'flattering'. It places the power firmly back in your hands and asks the question 'How do I want to honour myself today?' 'What do I want to express to the world today?'
So how do we begin to celebrate ourselves with our wardrobe? How do we recognise our unique beauty in a culture that wants us to remain at war with our own bodies?
Here are some techniques to practice daily:
1. When you stand in front of the mirror and you start to feel that familiar negativity rising, take a pause. Using the 4-7-8 method, inhale deeply through the nose for 4 counts, hold for 7 counts, exhale through the mouth for 8 counts. Repeat 3 times.
This breathing technique helps to calm your nervous system and gives you the space you need to reframe negative or unhelpful thoughts.
2. Recognise that thoughts aren't facts. We process tens of thousands of thoughts each day. Of those thoughts, approximately 75% of them are repetitive, meaning, the same thoughts we had the day before.
If you are experiencing repetitive thoughts about your appearance that aren't helpful, such as 'Nothing looks good on me' 'I hate my arms' 'I just need to lose weight'. Gently observe them. Don't judge them or yourself for having them, just recognise that they are there.
You can then try slowly training your mind into a new pattern of thought. For example, if you observe yourself saying 'Nothing looks good on me' try moving to a slightly more positive thought like 'Some things look good on me'. Once you are comfortable with that thought, you can continue on to more helpful thoughts like 'I love wearing things that make me feel good' 'I love finding styles that celebrate who I am'.
Continue with this practice until the new thoughts are dominant. It's not a process of perfection but if you stick with it, it truly works.
'Your thoughts are incredibly powerful. Choose wisely' - Joe Dispenza
3. When choosing an outfit, ask yourself 'what would feel most nurturing today?' Sometimes we need to feel powerful, sometimes its comfortable, cosy, sexy, playful, elegant etc.
Choose fabrics that help you feel this way. Is it soft cashmere? Slinky silk satin? Comfortable stretch cotton jersey? Take the time to consider what you need. Remember, you are nurturing yourself like a tiny seedling.
Choose styles that meet your needs and make you feel amazing. Is it an oversized dress full of volume? A fitted blazer? A comfy pair of wide leg pants? Choose styles based on what makes your heart sing not what 'looks flattering'
We have to start the process of unlearning all the lies culture, media and advertising have told us and continue to tell us about our bodies and the way we look.
We get to decide what we wear and why we wear it. This takes courage and perseverance.
We need to see ourselves as gardeners. Cultivating thoughts, cultivating a style and cultivating a life that nurtures our spirit.
'My garden is my most beautiful masterpiece' - Claude Monet
Gardener's hands aren't pretty, they are far more than that. They are instruments of dreams, ideas, life, growth, abundance and creativity.
They are deeply valuable and deserve to be adorned with jewels.
As for flattery? It will get you nowhere.