When does a passion become a problem?
When is enough, enough?
I've loved clothes for as long as I can remember. In fact, I loved clothes even before I can remember. While I don't have conscious memory of those years, photo evidence and my Mother's recollections prove the early existence of my passion.
I remember once, on our annual family trip to Canberra, we visited a big antique centre. There amongst the rustic timber ladders and old timey rusty pails, I spotted the most beautiful vintage dress. It was strapless, white cotton, with a full swirly skirt layered with tulle underneath. The bodice laced up the front with pink cord. The skirt was trimmed with pink ribbon and cotton lace. I was in love.
I begged my mother to buy the dress for me. Even though it was a dress for a woman and I was a child. Even though I would never grow to fill it out the way it needed to be. Even though I had no where to wear it. This was my first experience of deeply desiring a dress I was never going to wear. I had to have it.
Desire and the relentless cycle of more
Wanting. Wishing. Longing. Craving.
This is the state of desire.
There is something visceral about the state of desire. The passionate pursuit of something we believe, with certainty, will enhance our lives.
That somehow the attainment of the object of our desires will complete us in some magical way. Providing the missing piece to our happiness puzzle.
When it comes to our wardrobes, too often, the rush of acquiring outweighs the appreciation of wearing.
You spot a beautiful dress from your favourite brand as you are scrolling. You can't stop thinking about it. The desire for the dress builds and builds. You think about all the ways you'd wear it and how it will make you feel. Your dress desire gives way with a climactic click of the checkout button. At this point, your brain releases a rush of dopamine that has you feeling high. That is, until it doesn't.
Dopamine is a type of neurotransmitter that is made in the brain. It functions as a chemical messenger. It is used by the nervous system to send messages between nerve cells and by the brain to send messages to the rest of the body.
Dopamine plays an important role in many bodily functions, including the reward system. In short, when you do something that feels good, your brain releases a large amount of dopamine. This dopamine rush feels really good so we naturally repeat behaviours that lead to it.
It feels good, so what's the problem?
The acquisition of things we desire leads to a dopamine rush.
The dopamine rush leads to a repetition of the behaviour.
The repetition of the behaviour leads to a never ending cycle of purchasing.
"It is because of dopamine that, in our modern day, we like shopping or collecting things, though there is no rational benefit to most of it" - Simon Sinek
Having a wardrobe packed full of clothes, shoes, bags and accessories sounds fabulous right? After all, it's the dream advertisers and marketers have been selling us for decades. However, the reality of endless purchasing is not as glamourous as Carrie Bradshaw's closet.
Buying better feelings
Is it a new dress you're buying or a shiny new feeling?
Boredom, restlessness, sadness and loneliness are all part of the spectrum of human emotion. They are all important, but they aren't fun to experience.
I am certainly guilty of using shopping as a way to distract myself from uncomfortable feelings. Emotional spending may give temporary relief, but the warm after glow of purchase soon stops soothing and starts to feel icky.
Feelings of guilt and remorse start trickling in as you squish the new dress into your tightly packed wardrobe. Why did I buy yet another dress?!
Emotional spending has an itchy sensation to it. It might start off as restless scrolling through social media, mindlessly browsing your favourite shopping sites or ditching your to-do list and heading to your favourite shopping destination.
Feelings of restlessness, procrastination, overwhelm and anxiety underpin the urge to shop. Unwittingly, you have put your emotions in charge of your purchasing decisions and now find yourself caught up in repetitive cycles of consumption.
What marketers and advertisers would have you believe is harmless retail therapy, actually compromises our long term contentment.
Buying your way out of uncomfortable feelings stunts your emotional growth, sabotages your finances and creates a physical and emotional burden as your wardrobes become unmanageable.
'As materialism promises satisfaction but instead yields hollow dissatisfaction, it creates more craving' — Gabor Mate
Somewhere over the rainbow
Shiny new things are full of promise. Like a blank canvas upon which we project our hopes and dreams.
That crisp white shirt devoid of stains.
The leather boots perfect and smooth.
The silk dress with not one snag or pull.
There is something perfect and hopeful about a new outfit.
As a child, I clearly remember the intense feeling of excitement when my sister and I received hand me downs from family friends whose daughters were older than us. It was like Christmas. We could barely wait to rip in to that box and see what treasures lay inside. The 'new to me' clothes held so much possibility and meaning for me. A new outfit continues to hold meaning for me today. But what exactly does a new outfit mean? What was I hoping to find in that box of hand me downs? Or later, in the shops?
Slipping into a new outfit can feel like stepping in to a new part of yourself. Some undiscovered part that has the potential to make you more powerful, more beautiful, sexier, stronger, braver.
Dressing up and experimenting with fashion can feel endless in its possibilities. I adore fashion for this quality. It can push us forward in brave new ways, change our mood, express our creativity and communicate our values and beliefs. Above all else, it is so much fun!!
However, this beautiful tool of self expression is often exploited by advertisers, influencers, marketers and brands who mine our insecurities and keep us in an endless cycle of purchasing more.
Exploring new versions of yourself can easily morph into an continuous hunt for the perfect outfit, the perfect wardrobe and the perfect self.
Advertising screams at us about wardrobe 'must haves' and 'essentials' and 'latest trends'. Using words like perfect, obsession, life-changing. They imply that our lives will be complete once we have the outfit. As though we are in fact purchasing our perfect, idealised self.
The truth is, we can't purchase our self expression. Developing your style takes time, it isn't something you can buy off a rack. It's a commitment to knowing yourself and your preferences. It is a commitment to fun and experimentation. It takes time, effort and restraint.
'Style is the only thing you can’t buy. It’s not in a shopping bag, a label, or a price tag. It’s something reflected from our soul to the outside world, an emotion' - Alber Elbaz
The answer lies in what you already have
Last winter, I bought myself a beautiful pair of black wool pants. I bought them new, online and on sale. Despite being on sale, they still cost enough to make me slightly uncomfortable. When they arrived, I tried them on and absolutely loved them. I was so happy with my purchase. Hurrah!
The first time I wore them, I looked in the mirror, and instead of basking in the enjoyment of my fabulous new pants, my first thought was 'I love these, I wonder if they come in another fabric?' I was already thinking about buying another pair before I'd ventured out in the ones I already had. An alarm bell sounded. Why am I not content enjoying the pair I have? Why am I searching for more?
The continual acquisition of new (or new to you) clothes and accessories does not give you a meaningful wardrobe, killer style or the perfect version of you. It distracts you, takes up your time, wastes your money and leaves you with a bulging wardrobe and still coveting more.
'Consumerism provides no psychological satisfaction, because there is no limit to our desires for things that we never needed in the first place' - Emily Wilson
A meaningful wardrobe and killer style comes from a deep understanding and confidence in who you are. It comes from constraints, creativity and wearing the things you love over and over again.
When you feel the urge to experiment with your style, try out a new look or buy something new, take a pause. Have a look in your wardrobe and see if you can find what you are looking for already in there.
Can you put together old favourites in new ways? Can you add jewellery or accessories that push your boundaries? Can you interpret looks you love from Pinterest using things you already have?
You will be very surprised how creative you can get when given the constraints of playing with what you already have. Train your mind to look for inspiration in your wardrobe before you head to the shops.
If you love something, wear it all the time. Find things that suit you. That's how you look extraordinary” - Vivienne Westwood.
Shopping is not bad.
Not all purchases are mistakes.
There is nothing wrong with adding to your wardrobe, treating yourself or splurging on a beautiful outfit.
There is nothing wrong with loving clothes (I know I do!!)
Things go wrong when we continually use shopping to distract ourselves or to make ourselves feel better, happier, more worthy and valuable.
Meaningful style comes from within. It needs to be cultivated with intention and purpose. It is about getting to know yourself on a deep level. It's messy with mistakes. It's lived in and loved.