You open the doors to your wardrobe. You see all the pieces you have collected over the
years hanging there. Dresses, skirts, tops, jackets, pants. You admire their beauty yet find
yourself, once again, reaching for the same old outfit. This happens over and over again.
Feelings of guilt arise when you think of the money you spent on the clothes you don't wear. You squirm with discomfort as you look at how many pieces you have hanging unworn. You love your clothes, that's why you bought them, so why aren't you wearing them?
The need to belong
Belonging is a basic human need.
It is critical to our well being.
Feeling accepted and connected to others is something we all need to flourish.
But what happens when the need to belong starts to limit, stifle and hinder? And what does this have to do with our wardrobes?
Fashion plays a key role in helping us feel secure and connected in social circles. When we dress alike, we are signalling shared values and identity. This makes us feel like we belong. Like we fit into society. This makes us feel safe.
However, using our wardrobes to find acceptance within social groups can have negative
consequences if left unchecked. It can suppress creativity, self expression and individuality.
The search for external validation and acceptance by the group, means sacrificing parts of yourself. These are the parts we leave hanging unworn in our wardrobes. The parts that make us truly unique.
'When you don’t dress like everyone else, you don’t have to think like everyone else' - Iris Apfel
As a child, your clothing choices were not inhibited by the judgement of others. You freely wore whatever outfits you wanted - fairy costume to the supermarket anyone?
My mother told me when I was about 3 years old, I refused to wear anything but my favourite red sundress, even in winter. She managed to convince me to put a warm jumper underneath in the cooler months. As a child, I had no concept of 'looking stupid'. This is something we develop with age and sadly our individuality and style suffers.
Holding on to a fantasy
We are all guilty of keeping clothes that are too small because 'we might get back to that size one day'. Or perhaps, holding on to clothes we wore when we were younger because they remind us of a time when we had less responsibilities and felt carefree.
We leave past versions of ourselves hanging in the wardrobe like ghosts. Not moving
forward, unable to go back. In doing so, we don't allow the full expression of our present self, to be explored and celebrated.
'When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be. When I let go of what I have, I receive what I need' — Lao Tzu
A couple of years ago, I had a beautiful customer bring in a bag of clothes she thought I may be able to sell. She was a stylish woman in mid life. She told me about some of the pieces, where she had bought them and how much fun she had wearing them. I thanked her and told her I was grateful as I know how hard it can be to let go. She said, 'actually, once you make the decision, it's really liberating'. I have never forgotten those words or the way she said them. She looked so free.
Power dressing
The one thing I hear most women say when they are admiring beautiful clothes is 'I don't wear anything nice because I don't go anywhere.'
You may choose to wear active wear because 'it's comfortable and easy' or because 'you
are just going down the street' or because 'you just can't be bothered'.
But, when you do, your brain takes notice.
Enclothed cognition is a term described as 'the overall influence that clothing has on the wearer's psychological processes.'
This term was coined in a 2012 study performed by Hajo Adam and Adam D. Galinsky.
Adam and Galinsky used white lab coats to study the effect clothing had on the participant's cognitive processes. Half the participants in the study were given white lab coats to wear and the other half wore their own clothing. Then they participated in a selective attention test. Those wearing the white lab coats made half the amount of errors compared to those wearing their own clothes despite all the participants being of equal aptitude. This occurred every single time.
The brain unconsciously processes everything it knows about the symbolic meaning of the clothing. In this example, the lab coat symbolized focus and attention to detail. We don't consciously decide it. It already exists in our memory and the brain retrieves it.
The affect occurs when you are simultaneously wearing the clothing and the brain unconsciously interprets the symbolic meaning of the clothing.
'Clothes invade the body and brain, putting the wearer into a different psychological state' - Dr. Adam Galinsky
Understanding the affect our clothing has on us is hugely beneficial. It allows us to use our wardrobes to improve our cognition and over all sense of well being.
Wearing active wear may improve your reps in the gym but it won't help you negotiate a pay rise.
What is the solution to this wardrobe dilemma?
The need to belong is real.
Grieving the loss of past selves is difficult.
The path out of your wardrobe woes is truly liberating.
Now, I'm sure you're thinking that I am going to tell you to get rid of everything in your wardrobe that you aren't wearing, right? That seems to be a very common answer to this problem. But, rest assured, I am not saying that at all.
Instead, here's what to do in 3 steps:
1. Feel the fear
The first piece to this puzzle is understanding WHY you aren't wearing your clothes. It's time to get really honest with yourself. I love using a journal for this exercise.
Are your clothes hanging in your wardrobe unworn because you're afraid to wear what you truly love? Afraid of what others might think or say? Afraid it's too much, or too dressy or too different? Afraid that you'll stand out? Afraid to be seen?
Ask yourself:
- What are the outfits you wear on repeat? Why do they make you feel safe?
- What pieces do you love but don't wear? What is it about them that brings up feelings of fear?
Or are your clothes hanging unworn because you're afraid to let go? Of a past body, of a past time, of past events, of past versions of you?
Ask yourself:
- Why am I afraid to let go of this past version of myself?
- What does it mean to move on?
2. Try on a deeper sense of self
Now that you understand why you aren't wearing your clothes, you can do something active about it. It's time to get excited about the person you are and expressing that to the world.
If fear of judgement has been holding you back from enjoying your entire wardrobe try the following:
- Create a mood board of outfits you love (Pinterest is an excellent tool for this) then recreate the looks using pieces from your own wardrobe. Take your time with this. Have fun playing dress ups!
- Start slowly. Can you style some of your safe and scary pieces together?
If fear of letting go of the past has been holding you back from enjoying your entire wardrobe try the following:
- Remove all the pieces that no longer fit you, or your present life, from your wardrobe and place them on the bed. Using Marie Kondo's famous method, hold each piece in your hands, one by one, and thank them for the role they played in your life. Showing gratitude to your clothing can really help with letting go and moving on.
- If you are ready to part with them, prepare them for sale or donation. Selling your items, donating them to a small vintage boutique or passing them on to a friend can really help this process as you know they will be treasured. If feel you are unable to part with them, store them very carefully, somewhere out of sight, and try again at a later date.
3. Practice being yourself
Now is the really fun part.
It's time to practice being yourself.
- Choose one of the outfits you re created from your mood board, utilizing pieces from your wardrobe that you haven't been wearing. It's time to wear it out! You may find it easier, in the beginning, to choose a comfortable environment. This will be different for everyone. It could be a friend's house or somewhere where you don't know anyone at all!
- Celebrate yourself as you are. Wear clothes that fit. Adorn yourself with pieces that make you happy. Get excited about your clothes.
'The clothes you wear are a metamorphosis. They change you from the outside in' - Linda Grant
The evolution of you
Building the confidence to wear the clothes you really love everyday is not a just a wardrobe dilemma. It's a way of being. As you slowly step in to new parts of yourself, pushing yourself a little bit each time, it becomes less scary. It becomes natural. It becomes you.
'Great personal style is an extreme curiosity about yourself' - Iris Apfel