Those of you who have seen the 2006 film 'The Devil Wears Prada' will no doubt remember Meryl Streep's character, Miranda Priestly, giving her cerulean blue sweater monologue.
For those who haven't, the monologue served to educate the 'clueless' new employee, Andy Sachs, an aspiring journalist who thought fashion was petty and silly. Miranda delivered an explanation of the chain of events, decisions and influences within the fashion industry that lead to Andy 'choosing' the 'lumpy blue sweater' she was wearing. In doing so, she demonstrated to Andy that she was a part of the fashion industry, an industry she was belittling, she just didn't realise it.
The scene touched on a complex idea. Do we make our own choices or are they made for us? How are our desires shaped? Why do we want the things we want?
'I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want. So tell me what you want, what you really, really want' - Spice Girls
Mimetic desire
Mimesis is a term that is used in a wide variety of contexts. It also holds a number of meanings. In simplistic terms, mimesis is imitation or mimicry. The act of copying, mirroring, or resembling something else.
In the late 1950's French- American historian, critic and philosopher Rene Girard starting developing a concept known as 'mimetic theory' or 'mimetic desire'. His book 'Deceit, Desire and the Novel' published in 1961, was the first formal introduction of this theory.
According to Girard, people don't generate desires independently, we imitate the desires of others. We desire things because we observe others desiring them. Our desires are relational. They are shaped by our interactions and observations of others. This process isn't necessarily a conscious one.
A simple way of understanding mimetic desire is by watching children play. A toy lies discarded on the floor. A child comes along, picks up the toy and starts playing with it. Another child sees them playing with the toy. Despite showing no previous interest in it, the child suddenly sees the toy as the most desirable thing in the world. A competition for the toy breaks out.
Girard's theory suggests that the first child acts as a 'model' of desire, and the second child imitates that desire.
'Models' are the individuals or entities from whom we learn what to want. Not necessarily role models in the traditional sense, but people whose desires we unconsciously imitate. Models can be anyone from close friends and family to celebrities and fictional characters. However, the closer we are to a model, the stronger their influence on our desires.
Mimetic desire isn't as simple as copying. It occurs when we observe someone with something we interpret as valuable or desirable. Like the child with the toy, it sparks a wanting in us. A desire for what they have.
This spark of desire can spread through social circles, workplaces, groups and communities. It is contagious. It is the influence of others that cause us to desire the things we desire.
Unlike needs (food, water, shelter) desires aren't instinctual. We don't have an in built guidance system that points us towards the things we want. Desires are relational. They are dependant on models for clarity.
Our models are people who seem to have a deeper insight than we do. Those that appear further along the path, be it richer, happier, more stylish, more successful. We believe them to have something we do not and we look to them to guide our path.
Our desires stem from the desires of our models.
However, this can get complicated. As we begin to desire the same things as our models, rivalry and competition erupts. Just like the child with the toy. If it is an object of desire, the value of that object can skyrocket with the increased demand.
'It's not a bag, it's a Birkin.' - Sex and the City
According to Sotheby's, an Hermes Birkin bag costs anywhere between $10 400 - $2 000 000 AUD depending on the specifics and rarity of the bag. The Birkin bag is often described as plain, conservative, underwhelming and even ugly. Yet the waitlist for one is years long.
The Hermes Birkin bag was designed in 1984 for actress, singer and style icon Jane Birkin. Since then it has become a coveted symbol of wealth, status and success.
Hermes understood and capitalised on the theory of mimetic desire. In 2010, Hermes moved Birkin sales from a waitlist to an invitation only purchase system. Invitations are given based on purchase history and relationships with sales associates.
This somewhat secretive system, coupled with limited supply and huge demand created a special club of which only a few members are selected. The mimetic competition is fierce.
When you think about it in these terms, it's fascinating that people would go to such great lengths for a bag. Except it isn't about the bag at all.
'Honey, it's not so much the style as what carrying it means. When I'm tooling around town with that bag, I'll know I've made it' - Samantha Jones
Social influence
Somewhere during the covid pandemic, around 2020, a fashion trend was making it's way through social media. The look consisted of oversized, coordinating tracksuits, styled with equally oversized quilted jackets and blazers finished off with chunky lug boots and gold jewellery. The trend seemed to be dominating the social media fashion landscape.
The comfy cool minimalist aesthetic seemed to fit the pandemic era perfectly. You could be at home in a tracksuit, style it up in minutes and walk out the door looking fabulous. What's not to love?
I knew deep down that an oversized coordinating white tracksuit was not a good look for me. I knew that from years of getting to know myself, my style and my body. But my constant scrolling through social media had ignited something in me that was more powerful than my own knowledge.
Social influence.
Social influence occurs when an individual's thoughts, feelings, attitudes, or behaviours are modified, either consciously or unconsciously, by the presence or actions of others.
Social influence can impact many areas of our lives and can be subtle or overt in shaping the way we behave. It is a powerful force that encompasses a range of experiences including compliance, conformity and obedience.
Compliance occurs when an individual changes their behaviour at the request of another person or entity. An example of this could be purchasing a product after a sales person has knocked on your door and given you their pitch.
Conformity occurs when an individual adjusts their behaviour, attitudes, values, beliefs etc to match those of the group. An example of this could be dressing like your peers.
Obedience occurs when an individual changes their behaviour to comply with an order from an authority figure. An example of this could be following dress regulations and uniform rules.
Social influence shapes the way we behave including the things we choose to wear. We change our opinions, ideas and behaviour when we believe (often unconsciously) that someone has a more informed opinion than us.
You believe that a stylist has more expertise in fashion than you do, or a friend will always give an honest opinion on the outfit you just tried on. Our behaviour is shaped by the opinions of experts, friends, family and social groups.
'Never mistake the power of influence' - Jim Rohn
The burden of desire
The Buddhist approach requires us to understand the nature of desire. While Buddhists recognise the role of desire in motivation and survival, they are also aware of desire as a cause of suffering. Viewed through this lens, we can identify what is healthy and unhealthy desire.
Healthy desire is the flame that fuels our life direction and purpose. It motivates us to take positive action in our lives. It can lead to personal growth, altruistic change and more connected relationships. Desire drives action and helps us achieve our goals.
Unhealthy desire is indicated by an agitated, intense, insatiable craving that causes suffering when it remains unfulfilled. It is rooted in attachment to people, ideas and outcomes. Unhealthy desire seeks to distract us from our meaningful goals, drain our energy and attention and leave us in a perpetual cycle of suffering.
Desire by it's very nature is insatiable, endless. You fulfil one desire only to have the next one emerge immediately. It is a constant state of yearning for things we believe we lack, of dissatisfaction with what is.
The burden of our own unchecked desires becomes a heavy load we force ourselves to carry. We want what we don't have, we cling to the things we do have and we wish circumstances to be different to what they are.
Is it possible then, to free yourself of unhealthy desires? Is it possible to let go of desires that do not serve us?
'Freedom is not procured by a full enjoyment of what is desired, but by controlling the desire' - Epictetus
Does money buy happiness or just a tracksuit?
In March 2021, I clicked purchase on the oversized coordinating white tracksuit with shoulder pads. When it arrived, it was exactly as described, exactly as pictured. And, so was I.
It didn't transform me. I didn't feel comfy cool. I felt silly, awkward, wrong. I was aware of the social influence that led me to buy it, but what remained unclear was the specific desire I was hoping to satisfy. What dream had I spun in my mind that this tracksuit would fulfil?
When we experience uncomfortable feelings like boredom, restlessness, irritation, sadness and loneliness, we look to external sources to make us feel better. In doing so, we we put ourselves on the treadmill of 'I'll be happy when'. We postpone our present for some magical future where we are happy and satisfied in a comfy cool tracksuit. Every unchecked desire, every unchecked purchase is an attempt to soothe uncomfortable feelings and find completeness.
It is an endless quest. An endless search that pushes us further and further away from our authentic selves. If we constantly look to external sources to make us happy, we remain stuck in a never ending cycle of dissatisfaction.
So how do we break free from desires that do not serve us?
'If you don't know what you want, you end up with a lot you don't' - Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club
The freedom to let go
Awareness
Becoming aware of mimetic desire, social influence and unhealthy desire is the first step in separating yourself from desires that do not serve you. Get acquainted with the signs your body and mind are giving you. Do you feel itchy, anxious, restless? Are you looking for easy distractions? Are you scrolling social media more than necessary? Are you looking for or fixating on purchases?
Understanding
Take some slow deep breaths, calm your mind and start to explore the unmet needs that are fuelling the unwanted desire. Are you looking for connection to others, a feeling of belonging? Perhaps you are looking to boost your self esteem? What does the desire represent? Is it excitement, validation, escape?
Examine your motivations, what stories are you telling yourself about the object of your desire? Who are your 'models'? Do they truly align with your personal values? Are you stuck in mimetic competition?
Redirection
Once you understand the motivation behind your desire you can shift your attention towards things that meet your genuine needs and bring you lasting fulfilment.
You can do this by focusing on intrinsic rather that external motivation. Intrinsic motivation is the drive to do something purely for the enjoyment and satisfaction it brings, rather than for a reward or specific result. An example of intrinsic motivation could be learning to play an instrument simply because it brings you pleasure, building a garden because it connects you to nature or having coffee with a friend whose company you adore.
Actively participate in desires that align with your authentic goals and values and move away from desires that do not. For example, if you have a goal to take an overseas trip, actively move away from desires that seek to sabotage that goal, like excessive spending.
Embrace
Learn to embrace the present moment including any uncomfortable feelings it may bring. Practicing mindfulness can help reduce rumination about the unwanted desire.
Help to let it go.
Embrace gratitude. If you feel the surge of an unhealthy desire within you, pause. Focus on all the things you already have. Start your own internal gratitude riot! I promise you, a couple of minutes of rioting and you will have forgotten the desire.
Embrace your authentic self by clarifying your values and aligning your desires with them. This will help you stay on course and reduce the influence of external sources.
'The desire to know your own soul will end all other desires' - Rumi
Your own brand of comfy cool
It is important to practice self-compassion when you find yourself steering off track and into an online shopping cart.
Capitalism is designed to steer you off course.
It's goal is to create desire for things you do not want or need. Once the match is lit, the desire can spread like wildfire. Engulfing social circles, communities, cultures and countries.
Your safe guard against burning down is self awareness. By understanding what processes are at play, by understanding the cues your body and mind are giving you, you can gently steer yourself back to the safe shores of your authentic self.
I have a funny feeling when I see my white tracksuit. It's a mixture of shame and frustration but it comes with a gentle, knowing smile. I made a mistake and that's ok. I learnt from it.
It's so easy to get caught up in the desires of others, of dreaming of a future place where everything is perfect. Where you are perfect. But, that place doesn't exist.
The only place we have is the here and now. Imperfect, fragile, beautiful, lonely, connected, apart, wonderous. Looking for safety, security, happiness and contentment outside of ourselves will never bring us what we truly desire.
For that, we must look within. We must create our own brand of comfy cool. And isn't that a beautiful thing?
'The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are' – Carl Jung